Can You Ever Stay Friends with an Ex?

I was first introduced to We Met At Acme (WMAA) by a close friend in early 2018. Podcasts felt somewhat niche at the time. “Why listen to a podcast when you could listen to music,” I thought. Podcasts felt niche at the time.

But when I first listened to WMAA, I was hooked. Lindsay Metselaar, the host and founder of WMAA, welcomes authors, sexologists, intimacy coaches, regular people, and other influential individuals to discuss all things romance, relationships, and navigating the modern-day dating scene. As a single 21-year-old woman, I took a liking to Metselaar’s advice. And so I listened to WMAA regularly (read: every Monday night) while doing my evening routine.

While I don’t listen to WMAA regularly today, J and I have been doing the poll questions together. Followers and listeners slide into Metselaar’s DMs and ask questions pertaining to their own personal or romantic lives. (No. I have not yet submitted a poll question myself—but I have thought about it!). Metselaar polls her follows to gauge their opinions on any given issues. Of course, some of the polls are a little ridiculous: “Red flag or NBD – guy doesn’t walk on the street-side of the sidewalk.” But some of the questions inspire a little more thought: “Can you ever stay friends with an ex?”

I’ve often wondered why anyone would want to cultivate a friendship with an ex. Of course, this depends on your individual situation—remember, I’m writing from my own perspective. I don’t share children with an ex. I don’t share pets with an ex, nor do I share property with an ex. So, for me, the process of preserving a relationship, a friendship, with an ex feels somewhat counterproductive. I believe that it is reasonable to remain friendly and civil with an ex. However, I have no intention to befriend an ex. I never have.

A close friend of mine recently went through a whirlwind romance with a guy who ultimately led her on. For the sake of simplicity, let’s call this guy Jim. You know the type. He’d text her. He’d call her. He effectively convinced her that he wanted to be with her. He went out of his way to communicate his affection. As an outsider, it appeared obvious: Jim wanted to show his affection for my friend. And so, he did.

But this affair didn’t end as expected. After spending a weekend together, Jim confessed his qualms.

“I can’t see two people at once,” he said. As if she knew he was seeing two people.“But I think you’re amazing and I care deeply about you,” he concluded, “I hope that we can stay friends.”

The next day, my friend shared this turn of events with me. She told me about the various scenes leading up to this unsatisfyingly grand finale. She walked me through all of the major chapters of this story—and the little details; the oat milk; the concert(s); the dates. She described to these examples and interrogated where she went wrong. Did she misinterpret his friendly gestures as instances of romantic affection? Did he want to do X or was he just doing X it to be nice? Did he mean X when he said X? Therein lies the subtle notion that she misinterpreted his behaviour. She crossed the line. She took his signs of friendly affection as signs of romantic interest. Maybe he treats all his friends like this? I digress.

“So what now?” I asked.

“We’ll stay friends,” she assured me.

I’ve come to dislike the decision to remain friends with an ex. It seems like this proposition only benefits the proposition-maker; in this case, the man. It's important to note that friendliness is different than friendship. Friendliness is a general kindness. Friendship, on the other hand, is completely different. Friendship is a relationship; it requires conscious effort and emotional labour. For me, kindness is a given, but my friendship is a privilege.

Time and time again, women are expected to make amends with those who hurt them. They are expected preserve post-breakup relationships. In my friend's case, why wouldn't this man want to remain friends? I mean, why must he give up her emotional support, security, and empathy if he didn't have to?

This is the problem with the post-breakup friendship. Women are ultimately in the catch-22 situation. If we refuse the post-breakup friendship, they we being perceived as ‘rude’ or ‘irrational’. On the other hand, if we accept the post-breakup friendship, we must swallow our pride and continue to provide men with all the perks and emotional comforts of the past relationship. We receive nothing in return. In both cases, women are set-up to lose.

But what would happen, if just this once, women chose not to remain friends with their exes. What if we weren’t expected to be ‘nice’ to those who hurt us?