Love Lessons from Literature: Why Do Women Wait?

Last autumn, I read Three Women by Lisa Taddeo. This story considers the lives and loves of three different women located in different parts of the US. The structure was difficult to follow as each chapter cycled between story one, two, and three. This leaves the reader invested in one chapter only to feel suspended in confusion at the beginning of the subsequent chapter. However, the subject matter was the same: each story considers the romantic lives of three distinct women. Indeed, this was difficult to follow at times. And yet, this story was addictive. The deeper I immersed myself into the novel, the more I began to recognise the similar behavioural, emotional, and reactive patterns shared by these three women. While these women lived individually distinct lives, their search for love followed similar patterns which exposed them to pain, fulfilment, disappointment, empowerment, disempowerment, and self-discovery. The readers who have experienced love and/or heartbreak, or something of that nature, can empathise with these women. There is a familiar sense of waiting that encompasses what we associate with love. Whether it’s waiting for a text, or waiting for a ring, or waiting to fall in love, this idea of waiting is ever-present within the confines of romantic love. And yet, these instances typically involve women waiting for a man to arrive or act in a certain way. Accordingly, the concept of “waiting” cited in this quote has stuck with me over the last year and raised the following question: Why do women wait?

“Throughout history, men have broken women’s hearts in a particular way. They love them, or half-love them, then grow weary and spend weeks and months extracting themselves soundlessly, pulling their tails back into their doorways, drying themselves off, and never calling again. Meanwhile, women wait.” (Three Women, Lisa Taddeo)

First and foremost, the concept of waiting appears to be a question related to gender roles and behaviours. Women, traditionally, are taught to be patient and passive. Women are led to believe that love, like all good things, come to those who wait. During the courting process, women are encouraged to wait for men to text them, call them, and invite them out. On the other side of this argument, women who fail to wait are at risk of appearing too eager, too needy, and, perhaps worst of all, too forward. The “forward woman” acts as the antithesis to the waiting woman as this individual takes control of her own fate; she is an active player within the courting process. The forward woman fails to adhere to traditional dating codes as she does not display the typical calm, cool, collected attitude expressed by those women who can wait. The forward woman’s ambition may scare men away as her determination causes some men to feel insecure, overwhelmed, or emasculated by her pursuing desire. As a result, women are encouraged by their friends, colleagues, parents, and pop culture idols to wait. “Just give it some time,” one friend might say. “Don’t sound so needy,” another friend might advise. A woman can follow all the world’s advice on how to pursue a man and still end up waiting for nothing in return.

On the other end of the spectrum, women in relationships may also choose to wait to avoid the emotional pain or longing that ensues from taking action to terminate their relationships. In a recent conversation with a friend, we spoke about her own relationship and her dissatisfaction with her partner’s behaviour. At its core, her partner’s behaviour operates from a place of insecurity. While her partner is nice, loving, and enjoyable to be around—she assures me—he lacks the confidence that she craves from a romantic or intimate relationship. “Have you voiced these thoughts to your partner?” I ask. She responds and assures me that she has but not in a way to insinuate her ostensible desire to terminate the relationship. I don’t judge her for this. We’re all entitled to participate in relationships as and how we see fit. However, I do express concern that waiting for things to improve through subtle hints is not unlike waiting for the man to return your text. Indeed, your partner may change, or the man may return the text in due time, but your role within this episode is relatively inactive. In both cases, women wait for change without actively pursuing their idealistic outcome; the result is often unsurprisingly disappointing.

The simple concept of waiting is neither good nor bad. It’s a still puddle of water or a silver day. The puddle may expand or dry out; the silver day may clear or turn to rain. This in-betweenness or substantial indifference illuminates the danger of waiting. While uncertainty can be good, the wilful ignorance of those willing to wait for change without taking action is significantly more harmful to both the self and to others. I invite you to reconsider this quote:

“Throughout history, men have broken women’s hearts in a particular way. They love them, or half-love them, then grow weary and spend weeks and months extracting themselves soundlessly, pulling their tails back into their doorways, drying themselves off, and never calling again. Meanwhile, women wait.”

This quote, like Taddeo’s book, illuminates the ways in which our actions define us. It is not necessarily what we do or say, but rather what we don’t do which defines us. Indeed, the act of waiting operates as a kind of disengagement; an act of indifference and lack-of action. In the end, the waiting woman may encounter the same fate as the forward (or action taking) woman, however the waiting woman’s ignorance defines her role within the partnership, and perhaps also within society.

Moral of the story: Don't wait.