On Finding Purpose

When I was nine I wanted to be a horseback rider. When I was ten I learned about Mars for the first time and wanted to be an astronaut—a short-lived dream that lasted all of one day. Five years later I wanted to be an architect—though I gave up that professional goal quickly upon realising that architecture programs required both physics and senior math credits. I had a heavy course load full of arts and humanities courses. Oh well.

You see, I found math and science terribly uninspiring at the time. And I still find math and science terribly uninspiring. But that doesn’t seem to reflect its primary status in peoples’ minds. For many, math and science are tried and true vessels that lead to professional success. For many, our profession is our purpose.

Throughout the latter-half of my undergrad, I was pressed with questions pertaining to my ‘purpose’. In retrospect, these questions were merely concerned with my profession. “What are you going to do?” “Where are you going to work?” Or, perhaps, my favourite: “What use is that degree?!” “At worst, it’s useless,” I replied, “And at best, I’ve learned how to write one hell of an email.” *wink*

It goes without saying but bears worth mentioning that finding a sense of purpose is complex. It’s a journey filled with trials and tribulations. It’s a process that involves a great deal of introspection, growth, and vulnerability. Indeed, the process of finding a purpose is not the same as finding a profession. We must separate these two vastly different things in order to truly find, and define, our purpose.

When I was in the thick of law school, J reminded me of something very important: endeavour. Defined as an attempt to achieve a goal, endeavour is the tool which leads you to purpose. It’s the thing that gets you out of bed in the morning. It’s the tailwind that powers you forward through the long days, never-ending weeks, grey months, and challenging years. While the endeavouring subject may change over time, it’s important to remember that there is no forward movement without endeavour. Without progress, there is no purpose. To stand still—in a totally non-Marxist way—is to prevent self-improvement, self-growth, and true self-love. In my humble opinion, endeavour is an essential piece of the puzzle that is purpose. And finding a purpose is the key to true happiness.

We’re often taught that we must hit pause on life in order to work on ourselves; in order to reach the point where we can begin to re-engage with the world. I used to believe in this process. I thought that this pause was the key to finding a purpose. If I worked on myself for long enough, I thought, I’d reach a point in time when I’d be ready. I’d be able to reacquaint myself with the world after nailing down a newly defined perspective, and by extension a clear purpose and trajectory. But when I hit that pause button, none of those things materialised as I hoped they would. I read and wrote myself into a never-ending cycle of neediness disguised as self-growth. I forgot the importance of real life. The life that exists beyond my own imagination (as entrancing as it might be!). I forgot that friendships required my nurturing rather than relying on them to fill a void. In the attempt to find myself, I lost myself down the rabbit hole.

In this pursuit of purpose I backed myself into a corner located at the opposite side of the room—far from endeavour and even further away from purpose. You see, when you hit the pause button on life, you essentially hit the pause button on all things that come with it. The downs and the ups. The steps forward and the steps back. The hard-learned lessons and the troubling realisations. In short, your journey to purpose will only begin once you break free from the comfortable confines of your bubble. Your purpose will only materialise once you climb out of the rabbit hole.

So, what is my purpose, you might ask? Well…I’ll have to get back to you on that one.

xxV