Woman vs Woman: A Product of Internalised Misogyny

While overlooking the Pacific Ocean last week, J and I spoke about the notorious ‘angry woman’ trope. Indeed, our society rewards women for being docile and submissive; women are taught from young age that ‘good girls’ are gentle, kind, and small both physically and emotionally. They need not raise their voices for risk of upsetting others. At best, a woman’s emotionality is perceived as over emotional, and at worst she is considered angry and subsequently ridiculed for her behaviour.

But why are angry women so threatening? What exactly is an ‘angry woman’?

Anger is objectively defined as a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility. Therefore, it follows that an angry woman is a woman who feels annoyed, displeasure, or hostility. While men and women both experience these emotions, women and men and women express their annoyance, displeasure, or hostility quite differently. For example, when men get annoyed, they can express this emotion by ‘assertively’ raising their voices or by slamming their fists on the table. Frankly they can just about punch someone in the jaw before others ask: “What’s his problem?”

Women, on the other hand, are not warranted the same justifications for their actions. When women raise their voices, society is quick to consider the psychological roots of their ostensibly sudden onset anger. Women who slam their fists down in protest are considered childlike and immature for their inability to restrain themselves. The fact of the matter is that women are conditioned from a young age to express their anger internally. When women’s anger becomes visible or audible to others, they are considered ridiculous at best and hysterical at worst.

But society’s ridiculing response to women is not limited to just ‘angry’ women. Our society is unkind to women who outwardly express nearly any emotion: confident women are egomaniacs; distressed women are emotionally excessive; and proud women are arrogant. How does a woman have feel to be taken seriously?!

In case you’ve missed it, there’s a significant relationship between female emotionality and mainstream (male) society’s perception of women: our society consistently (mis)interprets and reinterprets women’s emotions. It’s as though women’s emotions are not valid when expressed by women themselves. Women’s emotions only become valid when rationalised by society. Emotional women are told to “calm down,” or to “relax.” And yet, while these terms make female emotionality more palatable for (male-centric) society, they simultaneously gaslight and delegitimise the female emotional experience. Once again, women are situated inferior to men.

Ironically, however, women are the biggest critics of other women. While scrolling through my eclectic ‘For You’ page on TikTok the other day, I began noticing a common theme throughout specifically female trends. It begins with a specifically female-gendered movement, think “Just Girly Things,” “Hot Girl Summer,” or “Gorgeous Gorgeous Girls.” While the language is different, the message is the same: Women can’t take pleasure in anything considered feminine without first mocking themselves for doing so. This initial movement is subsequently countered by women who define themselves as antitheses to this trend. These counter-culture individuals don’t take pleasure in specifically feminine trends; instead, they enjoy activities associated with the male gender, such as drinking beer and watching football on Sundays because—as every frat boy knows all too well—SAFTB (Saturdays Are For The Boys…*eyeroll*). These ‘Other Girls’ are not like other girls; they emphasise their quirks and in doing so, they simultaneously attempt to situate themselves superior to mainstream women by appealing to the male-centric norm. But of course, a counter-counter culture emerges from women mocking those ‘Other Girls’ for doing just that: mocking other girls. These Not-Like-Other-Girls 'girls' assert that they are not like other women but fail to realise that they are, in fact, like many other women who actively enable sexism and subconsciously empower their own internalised misogyny.

This circular pattern never really ends.

But this phenomenon is not limited to social media. It exists in all areas of social life. It is seen in the workplace—female CEOs are mocked for asserting themselves as female CEOs. In the classroom, intelligent women are try-hards rather than academically hard-workers. In relationships, romantically inclined women are considered tacky. In families, maternal women and stay-at-home mothers are not recognised (or paid) as workers; they are considered unemployed despite working 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, to care for their children. Ironically, however, these mainstream criticisms are not exclusively expressions put forth by men and toxically-masculine individuals. Indeed, women participate and foster this harmful discourse by degrading and criticising other women; or rather, women who they perceive as threats. It is troubling to think that women can only get a seat at the table when they actively prohibit other women from obtaining that same opportunity. It's as though women can only be taken seriously in this society when actively trivialising other women.

Women critique and criticise other women because our deeply misogynistic society has conditioned us to believe that female degradation fosters social superiority. The problem with this kind of internalised misogyny is that women rarely recognise the impact of their behaviour on themselves and others. This quarrel between women only normalises the very sexism which men consciously set into motion more than one-hundred years ago. Moreover, this woman vs woman battle serves as a mere distraction to discourage women from engaging in work that would otherwise destabilise the very sexist ideologies that endure within our society. Until women validate themselves and other women, how can we possibly expect men and society to do the same?